Aria: The Absurdistan
by cartoonpsycho888999
Summary: Aria/Kingdom Hearts/Pokemon crossover. Akari and friends are plunged into an absurd and rather surreal predicament when Sora brings the problems of his world onto Aqua. And what of the infestation of Mudkips in the waters of Neo Venezia?


Aria Fanfiction

Author's note: Thisis going to be a crossover story between Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon and Aria. Now, I know that you're all gawping and gasping in panic at the prospect of such a ludicrous crossover, but rest assured, none of what you see here is written in seriousness. In fact, if there was such a category, I would probably toss this fic into the genre of troll-fic. Maybe that and a little bit of a crack-fic. Wait, scratch that- it's more of a poorly written crack fic more than anything. With that being said, feel free to have your impressions of these respectable titles soiled beyond recognition and read on.

Oh, and please don't forget to review.

Akari sat at her desk at 5:00am in the morning due to irreconcilable differences between a café latte and her delicate stomach. Ai was still snoring soundly upstairs, and Aria Shachou had awoken with her mistress, bitching and moaning rather loudly around her bare ankles.

The pink haired girl gave the pudgy cat a wan smile while she waited for Windows 1000 to load properly. The new holographic interface with this newest system was quite a bonus, but most of the floating icons were either grossly delayed or didn't work at all.

The computer screen wailed, 'WELCOME.' In a slightly retarded voice, causing Akari to jump a little bit. A loose splinter from the chair stuck into her ass.

Even then, not even an expletive poured out of her mouth. All she could muster was a quiet, 'Ha hi….' As she gazed in dismay at the old chair. Apparently it was there since 'Grandma' (rest her soul) was still in diapers. Akari made a silent note to go shopping for chairs at the Ikea at the end of town. Akari clicked on her emails and was not too surprised to find oodles upon oodles of marriage proposals and fan letters and the odd sexually questionable letter.

She visibly cringed at the one with the admirer claiming that he desired to suck her 'undine toes.'

The snoring of Ai grew louder. Akari was pretty sure the poor girl had forgotten to take her inhaler before bedtime.

Holding down the delete key for a record amount of time, she tentatively touched the exit button floating in the air. As expected, it didn't work. She groaned and used the mouse.

She blocked the freak with a foot fetish and was quite surprised to find an e-mail from her old senpai Alicia Florence. It read, '_Dear Akari, I hope you are doing well. For reasons I will explain later, I need you to meet me at Neverland today at precisely 5:00. This is quite an urgent matter, and I am sorry to trouble you. I hope you are doing well- say hi to Ai and Aria Shachou for me! _

_Love, Alicia.' _

Akari blinked once or twice in a mystified manner. Perhaps Alicia had been frequenting (version 200.2.2 to be exact) a little too much and took their 'non-canon' yuri pairing into consideration? Akari chuckled to herself at the prospect. And marked it down on her iphone day planner.

She logged onto facebook and saw, with some measure of despair, that facebook had again changed it's look. It was now a holographic interface. Akari tried to 'dislike' café lattes as a test run of sorts. As expected, the button didn't work. Facebook was pretty much into it's 200th year, and when they finally put out a dislike button last Thursday, it worked about one time out of twenty. Akari had even done the math out of boredom.

Aria Shachou said, 'Pui nui nui?' with a cat's version of anupward inflection while gesturing at the door.

There was someone at the door?

The sound of frantic knocking permeated the entire room. Akari jumped up again, but knew better than to sit back down on the splinter infested chair.

Who could be out at this ungodly hour?

Akari frowned. The first customers usually started arriving after ten o' clock. Her mind wandered through the possibilities. It _could _be a burglar, but what kind of burglar _knocked?_ Was it some person in trouble? Akari furrowed her brow. It was in the middle of summer and the weather was fair. There was no immediate need for shelter.

The frantic knocking continued. Several fists joined in the erratic beat, causing Akari's heart to skip one. Composing herself and breathing in deep like she learned from her weekend visits to Alicia's Tai Chi classes, she put on her fuzzy slippers and padded towards the door. Aria Shachou bounded after her.

She opened the doorknob and felt a rush of unleashed momentum as the unknown characters collapsed on her and pinned her to the floor.

'Ow, Gawsh, that hurt….' Intoned a voice that came straight from the mountains of Tennesse.

Another voice rasped something incoherent, while a rather normal sounding voice pleaded with the owner of the rasping voice to get off him. All Akari could see was a tangled mane of blonde hair and two wild blue eyes darting to and fro.

It took several moments for the ungainly pile to untangle. Akari squiggled out of the heap like a turquoise worm and whispered a breath, 'Ha hi….' Before carrying herself up and giving the intruders a gander. At first, she thought the trio were cosplaying, but upon closer inspection, there was no way in hell the sweaty pulsing of the seven foot tall dog thing's bulbous nose and the spastic wiggling of the giant duck's tail could be replicated with expensive costume animatronics. Akari's mouth opened and closed like a dying fish before she directed her question at the most normal looking of the group, the blonde haired boy with the ballooning red pants that made Cirque Du Soleil clowns look careful with fashion.

'Who….who are you people? You know that Aria company doesn't open until….'

'You've gotta help us!' Panted the the boy, 'Please…..we don't know if they're following us….'

'Who's following you?'

'The Heartless!' The large dog thing almost yelped. The giant duck added something incomprehensible into the conversation.

Suddenly, a loud _creak _on the stairs caused everyone to turn their heads.

Ai stood on the stairs in a nightgown, 'Wha….what's going on, Akari senpai….'

'Seriously, they're _following us!'_ The boy looked frantically to and fro, shaking off beads of seawater and sweat.

'Okay, okay….' Akari repeated the mantra, '_breathe deep, breath sloooow…..'_ in her head, ' How about we sit down and talk about?'

As if with a miracle of hammer physics, a giant key the size of a medieval sword appeared in the boy's hand, 'BUT THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE!' He almost shrieked, 'WE'VE GOTTA-

'Shut up.'

The boy's face froz e in mid motion, creating a mask of exaggerrated comic surprise.

Ai said again softly, 'Shut up and calm down. Take a seat on the sofa. ' She gestured to the Ikea branded minimalist sofa in the corner, 'There's no one chasing you.'

For the first time in this untimely encounter, the boy looked behind him and saw only a door swinging lazily to and fro.

'Well….what do you mean….they're gone…' The boy gave one more feverish smile before he collapsed on the ground, much to the loud chagrin of the large dog and duck.

The boy awoke to shy sunlight seeping through the Aria company symbol emblazoned curtains.

He caught sight of a tray filled with assorted biscuits, pastries, and small cakes. His stomach growled as he sat up. He found himself in a neligee and felt a rather threatening breeze course through his genitals. Suddenly feeling rather self conscious, he pulled up the covers and jerked his head to the side when he heard Akari's melodious laugh.

'Sorry- it was the only one we had. '

'Thu-thanks….' The boy's face turned bright red.

'Go on, don't be shy- you look like you haven't eaten in days.'

The boy took a small Napoleon and nibbled on it. His stomach then seized control of his motor functions and proceeded to inhale ten more before he stared rather shamefacedly down at the crumbs he spilled all over the bed.

'Don't worry. I'll get that later.'

The boy studied the pink haired girl. She was wearing a peculiar sort of uniform- almost like that of a futuristic sailor. There were strange symbols all over the titanium white ensemble, and on top of it all, she wore a admittedly cute looking sailor hat that had 'Aria company' lettered on the front, 'I am….sorry….to have intruded….' He said in a hoarse voice, 'There were _creatures _chasing us, and….'

Akari cocked her head slightly sideways. The boy still looked quite feverish.

'Well, what did these….creatures look like?' She decided to humour him for the time being. Ai was busy dialing his contact numbers downstairs, reading from the contents of his barely salvaged wallet.

'They were…._black….._horrible…..misshappen things….the _Heartless….'_ The boy intoned in a curiously dazed voice.

Akari put her hands on her lap, 'It's okay now, there's no trace of these…._Heartless _anywhere. Nothing was following you.'

The boy suddenly jolted upright, suddenly realizing the situation he was in, 'Where am I?' He almost choked out.

'Neo-Venezia.'

'Where is….Neo-Venezia?' His voice was almost a hoarse whisper.

'It's on Mars.'

'_What!'_ The boy nearly fell out of bed, 'B-b-but….how is this even _possible!_ I could have _sworn _ that maelstrom….'

The boy thought for a moment, and then collapsed back onto the bed, 'I s'pose it's not too far-fetched….considering I routinely travel into dimensional voids….'

Akari's frown grew even deeper. Whoever this boy was, he seemed to have some deep seated mental problems, ' What's your name?' She asked delicately.

' Sora.' The boy said in a comically sullen voice. He suddenly remembered his companions, 'Donald and Goofy….where are they?'

'You mean the two that were with you? They're sitting downstairs. You want me to call them up?'

'Yeah….thanks for your hospitality….sorry for intruding…..'

'It's no big deal.' Akari was glad Sora wasn't talking in erratic screechy tones anymore, 'By the way, I'm Akari. The girl downstairs is called Ai.'

'Nice to meet you….Akari….' Sora's eyes looked distant, 'I wonder how I'm ever going to get back to my world…..'

'Deciding not to touch on his bizzare comment, Akari went downstairs.

'Did you find anybody Ai-chan?'

Ai gently tossed him grungy wallet on the marble dinner table, 'I tried _all _his contacts, none of them seem to even _exist.'_

'That's quite peculiar….' Akari put a finger to her mouth, 'He _does _seem a little delusional-

'He's NOT!, Gawsh.' Both undines spun around at the sound of the large dog's voice, 'We _were _being chased, _honest….._what're you doing?'

Ai stepped close to the large dog's face and pulled on it.

'_Ow!'_ Cried the large dog, 'That _hurrrts….'_

Ai wrinkled her nose, 'If this is _cosplay,_ this is a _really _good costume….'

'What's cosplay?'

Ai stepped back to Akari's side and whispered, 'Could he be one of the mutants from Manhome's Quarantine Facilities? '

'I highly doubt it.' This was getting weirder by the moment. Akari knew for a _fact _that that that mishappen survivors of the nuclear holocaust two hundred years ago were either grossly disfigured humans or malformed hybrids. The strangely dressed large dog was simply too _naturally _made to be one of the mutants.

The duck suddenly screamed in his strangled fast forwarded voice as _something _latched onto his buttocks.

It was President Maa.

Alice stood at the doorways with Aika, 'Who _are _these people, if this is cosplay-

'WHAT IS COSPLAY!' The large dog almost wailed.

Aika narrowed her eyes half jokingly, 'Akari, if you're a furry, you should have told me….'

The duck was still prancing around the room with a tiny cat latched not only on his backside, but on the inside of his anus. Alice saw this and almost facepalmed. President Maa was getting a little _too _good at this ass biting business.

Sora stumbled down the stairs in Akari's nightgown. The breeze from outside lifted up the turquoise fabric, revealing a rather small dangling penis.

At that very moment, Akatsuki barged in with a loud, 'OI, MOMIKO-

His eyes latched onto Sora's first count of indecent exposure.

An awkward and deathly silence fell over the room.

Akatsuki blinked slowly and did the math inside his head. A thirteen year old boy. Dressed in a negligee. Coming out from Akari's room.

He cleared his throat and said in a rather strangled voice, 'Momiko….I never knew you were….into this sort of thing….'

Akari suddenly understood the magnitude of the situation and waved her arms around frantically, 'Nonononono! HAHIHIHIHIHIHI…It's not what you _think _it is….'

Ai chimed in, 'They barged in in the middle of the night, _soaking _wet….we don't have any _boys _clothes in this house-

Aika seemingly teleported to Akari's side, 'A _night time _visitor, eh, Akari-chan? And I thought you're still a virgin….'

Akari's face turned a rather unhealthy shade of puce, 'Ha…hi….ha….hi…..'

Alice was kneeling in front of the duck's ass, attempting to pull President Maa off with minimal damage to the Duck's sphincter, 'Are you _sure _this isn't cosplay? Because last time I checked, there were no animals _this _size….'

'GAWSH!' The large dog slapped his head in exasperation, 'Haven't you ever heard of _Disney!'_

'No.' all four undines said almost simultaneously. Akatsuki was still glaring at a very confused and embarrassed Sora, who was busily trying to tuck his dick in between his legs.

'Uggghh….' The large dog sighed, 'I'm Goofy? That's Donald? Walt Disney? Doesn't ring a bell?'

'Nope.' Alice intoned absentmindedly as she finally detached President Maa from Donald's ass with a sickening rip. Donald Duck's backside was now a messy patch of torn skin and dripping feces. The giant duck was now bawling at this point.

'Oh dear, I think we'd better get the First Aid kit….' Akari tottered off into nowhere in particular, still reeling from Aika's comment.

'The First Aid Kit's that way, Akari senpai.' Ai said gently.

'Oh….right….' She awkwardly changed directions and almost waddled off to find gauze for Donald's broken waste management system.

'Shota Bishie boy…..' Akatsuki was still glaring at a very ashen faced Sora, 'Can you _please _enlighten us, as to _what the fuck is going on?'_

Sora sighed, 'Even if I told you guys, you wouldn't believe it….'

'Oh, _try _me.' Akatsuki crossed his arms. He was planning to confess his feelings for Akari today

Complete with a holo- message programmed directly into his Blackberry by the Hallmark down

the street, and then what does he find? He finds a cross-dressing little _boy _in her room. Not only

was the perfect atmosphere for his confession (a warm summer morning with a slight breeze)

but he was left to ruminate whether or not _his _Momiko was a pedophile.

Sora began, 'Well, it all started with a Maelstrom-

His epic story was interrupted by a bloodcurdling shriek from outside Aria Company.

The entire ensemble rushed outside to find the source of the cry, almost tripping over eachother

And creating a legendary dogpile in the process.

Sora's eyes widened in terror as he witnessed the blood drenched scene in front of him.

'You've…._got _to be shitting me….'

Ai promptly threw up all over Aika's Himeya uniform, which in turn caused Aika to throw up all

over Alice's head.

Alice simply wiped the vomit away from her eyes and retched a little.

Goofy and Donald looked away sadly.

Akatsuki mouthed, '_What….the….fuck?'_

When Akari came out with the gauze, all she could muster was a squeaky and dry rendition of her classic, '_Ha…hi…..'_

To be continued…..

Author's ending note: This story is going to get a lot more fucked up. That much I promise you.

Please read and review. Flames are welcome too.


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